Who I Am Hates Who I've Been
by mriss
Summary: Emma Jay fluff. Jay can't get over his mistakes. . .will Emma come back to him? songfic oneshot.


**Disclaimer: I don't own the characters or the song Who I Am Hates Who I've Been by Reliant K!**

**Who I Am Hates Who I've Been**

Jay Hogart took on last puff of the joint between his pointer and middle finger before throwing it on the tracks, smashing what was left with his black entie.

_-I watched the proverbial sunrise coming up over the Pacific and you might think I'm losing my mind, but I will shy away from the specifics...-_

Sighing he flipped his hair back and began walking down the tracks, where to? He had no idea . . . why? Because . . . well at this point it didn't matter, he hated himself and who he'd been. He'd done all he could, "sucked the poison out of his life." Emma was cured of her social disease. Alex had Paige and well he couldn't think of anything else. He couldn't think of anyone else either.

-_'cause I don't want you to know where I am 'cause then you'll see my heart in the saddest state it's ever been. This is no place to try and live my life.-_

Jay reached the end of the tracks where the beach began. Why he was here, in Wasaga, he had no clue. It just happened to be where his car and feet had led him. Putting his head in his hands Jay groaned. He'd seen Sean's tattoo, Emma. He knew it'd never said Ellie, but Jay didn't want Sean to have Emma, Sean didn't deserve her. _"Hell I don't deserve her,"_ Jay thought. He, at the time of Emma & The Ravine, had simply been in it for the job and anything else he could get. But later when he saw her eyes. Saw her hurt, saw how pissed and angry she was . . . something in him snapped. He'd been expelled. . . he'd lost everything. He truly hated who he'd become. Sadly, he sat down and watched the water, to him it was free to go where it pleased, kind of what he was doing . . . going wherever e pleased . . . except now. . . now nothing pleased him.

-_Stop right there, that's exactly where I lost it. See that line well I never should have crossed it. Stop right there well I never should have said that it's the very moment that I wish tha tI could take back.-_

Pulling out his cell phone he pressed the number one and hit send. He put the phone to his ear and listened to Emma's ringback song, When September Ends by Greenday, and rubbed his eyes with his other hand. Emma had been crossing lines Jay had not too long ago. But looking at Emma she wouldn't pull out . . . at least not until it was too late.

-_I'm sorry for the person I became. I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change.-_

The song was cut off as Emma's voice mail filled the other end of the line, she was laughing. "Hey you got Emma, I'm getting laid right now, leave a message & I'll call you back if you're cute enough." Laughter from Emma and Manny filled the line, then a beep.

"Hey Em, me again . . . Look I'm in Wasaga if you wanna hang. . . drive out and see me. Gimme a call."

-_I'm ready to try and never become that way again, cause who I am hates who I've been. Who I am hates who I've been.-_

He snapped the phone shut and dropped it in the sand. . . then the phone began ringing. Without checking who the caller was he flipped the phone open and put it to his ear. "Thank you for calling hell, how can I help you?" He groaned into the phone. His voice sending chills through the callers spine.

"Hey," Emma whispered. Jay spun around, after jumping up and saw sexy blonde, green peace, slut Emma Nelson snapping her phone shut and walking towards him.

Jay gasped. She was here. She wa walking towards him. HIs voice caught in his throat as he tried to say something . . . anything. She put her finger on his lips, shushing him. "I'm sorry," He said quietly. She shook her head.

_-I talk to absolutely no one, couldn't keep to myself enough. And the things bottled inside have finally begun to create so much pressure that I'll soon blow up.-_

"Jay, you were warnging me. Warning me that everything you id was bad and I shouldn't start. I should've listened . . . I'm sorry." He wrapped his arms around her and squeezed gently, her vanilla/green apple scent filling his nostrils. She shuddered at his breath on her skin. Leaning closer to her face Jay placed a gentle kiss on Emma's lips. He wasn't sure if she just wanted in his pants or if she was being for real. He'd made choices that brought Emma here and he swore form there he'd never do it again . .. never again. Putting his lips near her ear he whispered, "Em, I love you, for real." He was taking a chance, he wouldn't make the same mistakes again . ..he was crossing another line.

_I heard the reverberating footsteps  
sinking up to the beating of my heart,  
and I was positive that unless I got myself together,  
I would watch me fall apart. _

And I can't let that happen again  
'cause then you'll see my heart  
in the saddest state it's ever been.

This is no place to try and live my life.

Pre-Chorus x2  
Chorus

Who I am hates who I've been  
and who I am won't take the second chance you gave me.  
Who I am hates who I've been  
'cause who I've been only ever made me...

So sorry for the person I became.  
So sorry that it took so long for me to change.  
I'm ready to try and never become that way again  
'cause who I am hates who I've been.  
Who I am hates who I've been.

* * *

**AN: I hope ya'll enjoyed that. Just a little Emma/Jay songficcy for ya! lol Read my other fics & R&R:D Meaning mostly PLEASE REVIEW!**

**M**


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